Updates to How Life Works in 2022
We here at Life have listened to your feedback and are excited to announce a number of important updates.
Wages have failed to keep up with the cost of living. We’ve decided this won’t change going forward. A livable wage will continue to elude you, and the closest you’ll ever get to owning a home is when you finally collapse under the weight of your student loan debt.
However, we’ll now provide you the option to YOLO your entire life savings on unregulated internet money. We feel confident this change will resolve some of your ongoing money issues, or make them even worse.
In lieu of providing a livable wage, we’ve decided to completely do away with the 9-5 job. You’ll be allowed to work whenever, wherever, as long as you answer Slacks and emails right away and you’re able to take meetings at all hours. If you do that, we may even consider paying you a livable wage.
We’ve spent a lot of time observing how you choose to socially interact these days, and as a result have decided to move all friendship to the metaverse. No more “going out” to see friends. Instead, upload yourself to the Matrix and enjoy a consequence and meaning-free existence. It’ll be like Ready Player One except with more conversations about “Euphoria.”
We’ve decided to remove political “debate.” Everyone will have strongly-held political beliefs they refuse to change regardless of how many facts they hear contrary to their opinion. In short, you’ll need to make up your mind before you hear the issue.
In order to make this adjustment, we’ve had to redefine what “facts” are. Going forward, we’ll allow things that are also untrue to be considered “facts.”
Dating has given us a lot of problems over the last few years, but we think we’ve found a solution: all men will now either be incels or fuckboys. Women, we believe this should remove some of the confusion / frustration you’ve been complaining about. Also, similar to friendship, we ask that all dates be conducted in the metaverse. This should be a natural transition, considering most of you already meet online.
Our updates to politics have had a negative impact on peoples’ relationships with their biological families.
Given this, we’ve decided to extend the definition of “family” to now include your “fam” (close friends), “work wife” (the person you complain about your job to), pet dog (as long as you’ve given them a dedicated Instagram), and “plant babies” (whatever flora you keep in your home).
Recommendations from medical experts no longer mean anything. You can still choose to listen to them, but we also ask that you consider advice of random internet people with private agendas, football players who are just “doing their own research,” fundamentally dishonest politicians, and amoral podcast hosts. Essentially, the opinion of anyone with a platform (which is everyone) should be considered equal to the advice of a medical professionals with extensive experience in their field of practice.
Our team hasn’t really had the bandwidth to focus on climate issues, so we’re going to leave this one to Elon Musk and that Swedish teenager.
We haven’t had time to fix the climate because we’ve been hard at work creating content for you. From Netflix and TikTok to Substack and podcasts, Life has never offered this many content options before. Early testing has shown this helps many of you stop thinking about the climate.
We’ve received feedback that our education offerings have been unsatisfactory. Schools don’t teach transferrable skills, college degrees are expensive, remote learning stifles growth, private schools perpetuate inequality, and charter schools are shady and probably racist. For these reasons, we’ve decided to offer a new option: don’t go to school. Stay at home and learn how to do stuff through YouTube, or learn a trade like plumbing or influencing—the latter of which doesn’t require any education whatsoever.
We’re going to give you a choice here: You can continue to eat the flesh of depressed cows and chickens pumped full of hormones and massacred by the thousands on a daily basis….
You can end the suffering of all livestock and help save the planet by eating a plant-based diet. Hell, we’ll even offer you some meat substitutes that taste almost exactly the same as the real thing.
We’ve saved our biggest update for last. Starting today, in order to live Life, you have to give us all your data. We’ll be watching everything you do, say, and think, and using that to sell you things. After all, that’s what finances Life to begin with. Without your consumption, we wouldn’t be able to continue to update Life in ways that are beneficial to a handful of unheard, unseen forces that are biding time in their doomsday bunkers until we wipe the codebase and start all over again.
Thanks to Eli Grober for the inspiration.