I Can No Longer Defend the Second Amendment

After seeing the mass shootings at the Highland Park parade, Uvalde elementary school, Buffalo grocery store, Boulder grocery store, Parkland high school, Las Vegas concert, Orlando nightclub, Blacksburg college, Newtown elementary school, Sutherland Spring’s church, El Paso Walmart, Tulsa hospital, Pittsburgh synagogue, Aurora movie theater, Dayton bar, and a bunch of others that didn’t really rate, I find I can no longer defend the second amendment.

But I also refuse to accept any changes to the second amendment.

Such is the life of a gun-loving American in 2022. On the news, at parties, in group chats, and at protests outside my local gun store, people tell me things like “the number one cause of death for children in America today is gun violence.” And I used to say “I have a gun to keep my family safe.” And then they’d say “evidence shows keeping a gun in the house actually makes your family less safe,” and then I’d say “I’m a responsible gun owner and I make sure to only use my gun when absolutely necessary.” And they’d say “research shows you’re most likely to use it on yourself,” and then I’d get angry because I don’t want to reconcile my love of guns with facts and evidence.

Nowadays, I don’t defend the second amendment. I just march right past the protestors into the gun store, where I proceed to purchase enough firearms and ammunition to outfit a small militia. This has been great for my mental health.

I encourage my fellow second amendment stalwarts to follow my example. Don’t get distraught when people tell you almost all murders in the United States come from guns. Don’t do any soul searching if you’re told gun deaths are up 25% in the last five years. And certainly don’t look into why states with the most lax gun laws also have the highest rates of gun violence.

Instead, remember your love of guns is protected by a 235-year-old document written by men who owned slaves that should be taken extremely literally—even though nobody at the time had ever heard of an AR-15, hollow-point bullets, or abortion.

The beauty of gun ownership is in its contradictions. I own a gun to protect myself from immigrants entering our country illegally. But I’d organize a sequel to January 6 if the government tried to make an undocumented immigrant undergo a background check when purchasing a gun.

I see nothing wrong with this.

So hit me with your best gun control arguments. Countries with more gun control have lower rates of gun death? Makes sense. Fewer guns in circulation leads to lower crime rates? I’d imagine so. Banning assault rifles would lead to fewer mass shootings? I won’t argue with you. And that’s because the only thing I love more than deadly force is irrational behavior. Thankfully, in America, people exhibiting irrational behavior have unfettered access to deadly force. Good for me. Bad for everyone who doesn’t want to be cut down by a disaffected white male at Walmart.

So yes, I’m done defending the second amendment. Because I don’t have to anymore. The data is overwhelmingly against us, as are the majority of Americans. It doesn’t matter. In our “democracy,” the majority are subject to the whims of a power-hungry minority who only represent the interests of rural whites and unborn babies. We’ve won.

And thank goodness we did, because it was getting very hard to continue defending guns. Now I can rest easy, knowing the next mass shooting is imminent.  When it happens, I won’t have to struggle with the pain and anguish of explaining why my right to a gun trumps a mother’s right to not have her child shot to death in school. What a relief.