Welcome to Your First NYC Apartment

This apartment has charm. It has personality. It has a 200% monthly rent increase. This apartment is overrun with hyper-intelligent mice. You’re going to love it here.

This apartment used to have a working oven, but the mice burrowed inside the oven and made it their own pied-a-terre. At least 30 of them are in there at any given time. They’ve evolved to withstand temperatures of 450 degrees. This apartment has great appliances.

This apartment has a terrible homeless problem. The mice use the oven to prepare delicious soups that they serve to the homeless every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. The soups are world-renown. The New York Times and Food & Wine have both profiled the mice for their soup-making prowess. This apartment has two Michelin stars.

This apartment has a mezuzah in the doorway. The mice aren’t Jewish, but they want homeless Jews who come for soup to feel welcome. The mice themselves are fearful of organized religion, and its corrosive effect on intellectual discourse. They were quoted saying as much in the Times profile, then Ted Cruz and a bunch of evangelical Christians tried to cancel them. It was a whole thing.

This apartment has no smoke alarms. The mice kept setting them off every time they burned the soup. At least 2-3 mice die from smoke inhalation every week. The mice honor their dead with an elaborate funeral procession that goes through every room in the apartment and ends at the kitchen sink. This apartment has a waste disposal.

This apartment celebrates a new birth approximately once every three weeks. That’s how often a female mouse can give birth. The mice give birth in the freezer because they read the Wim Hof Method and are into cold therapy. Now the mice have lower bodily carbon dioxide levels so they can survive greater amounts of smoke inhalation.

This apartment doesn’t see color, race, or sexual orientation. That’s because the mice are all blind. It’s a hereditary trait that dates back to a 1988 asbestos leak. This apartment does not meet the New York City Department of Health’s Public Safety Guidelines.

This apartment is dog-friendly. But cats are not allowed under any circumstances.

This apartment has ruined relationships because there’s always one roommate that’s pro-mice. The mice are very good at winning people to their cause. One of the old roommates even lives among the mice now, and acts as their spokesperson. His name is Dave. Dave doesn’t pay rent.

This apartment has a haunted remote doorman. It’s said that if you put your ear to it on a quiet night, you can hear the stifled screams of all the mice through the years that have choked to death or been burned alive in a vat of boiling soup. If you do hear something, you should also check the oven, in case any mice are burning to death right now.

This apartment is in an elevator building. But anyone who steps inside the elevator spontaneously re-lives all their childhood traumas. Still, it beats taking the stairs, which are full of homeless waiting for soup.

This apartment was owned by a Hasidic Jewish family until the mice signed a lucrative influencer deal and purchased the entire building. They’re turning it into a hype house for content creators. This apartment requires tenants have at least 100k followers. Rent is due on the first of every month. If you don’t pay on time, Dave will lock you in the freezer.

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