This Group Chat Has Everything

Some lament the fact that modern friendship happens mostly in group chats on our phones, rather than out in the real world. Not me. That’s because I’m part of a group chat that has everything.

Crazy right. I bet it never occurred to you that a group chat could satisfy all your longing for social connection. But this one does. Here’s a list of things this group chat has. You tell me if one thing is missing:

Recommendations for places to eat in the city. Shit talk about people from college. Abhorrent opinions. “I Think You Should Leave” memes.

You know…EVERYTHING.

There’s engaging political conversations until one person presents a viewpoint that runs counter to what the rest of the folks in the group chat think. There’s screenshots of Wikipedia articles shared to “prove your point.” There’s links to longform investigative journalism nobody reads.

I mean, can it get any better?

This group chat provides legal advice. It contains pictures from no less than 3 different Macklemore concerts. This group chat has two members who moderate influential 4chan message boards on polyamory. If you go back far enough in this group chat’s text history, guess what you’ll find? That’s right, the coordinates to a 2007 PT Cruiser. And in the glove box? You guessed it: Hunter Biden’s laptop.

This group chat has everything.

Including multiple people who don’t respond when you’re trying to figure out the bill from dinner last night.

One thing this group chat doesn’t have? Friendly disagreements. All potentially offensive texts are given the least-generous interpretation, and the response is both clever and devastating.

Has this group chat led to bloodshed? Hell yes this group chat has led to bloodshed.

Group chat members clash often over economic policy. Some of us advocate for the violent overthrow of capitalism. Others are working on a new crypto ponzi scheme. This group chat is a powerful organizing tool. Did you think this group chat wasn’t being surveilled by federal agents? Think again, buck. And while you’re thinking, I’ll tell you about other things this group chat has: anxiety, a drinking problem, someone who always tries to make the conversation about themselves, a failed writer, a successful writer of ‘Twilight’ fan fiction, Marjorie Taylor Green’s daughter, Twitter’s entire codebase, the recipe for an above-average vegan chili, a repository of videos of all your bad golf shots, and 4 Android users.

EVERY. MOTHERFUCKING. THING. Even a long-running, tedious debate over a fantasy football trade from 2018.

To earn membership in the group chat, all one must do is reenact the cartel initiation sequence from “2 Fast 2 Furious”: race to a boatyard in Miami and retrieve a cigar from an impounded Ferrari. Note: men will be shooting at you.

But it’s worth it if you ask me. Nothing can replicate the magic of a friend group chat, up to and including seeing group chat members IRL. Most of us live in far flung parts of the world, and several are in prison, so the group chat is really all we have to stay connected.

I look forward to still being a member of this group chat when I’m a ripe old man. Or until my girlfriend starts scrolling through the group chat and it automatically self destructs. Or until all members of the group chat are so disgusted with one another, everyone stops responding. Or until the FBI arrests us.

Until then, you can find the group chat on WhatsApp. And on Instagram Direct Message. And in the replies to Chrissy Teigen’s tweets. And on your company’s Slack. And inside your feeble little brain.

That’s right. We’re in your head. No wonder you keep thinking about cunty muffin men. That’s the name of the group chat. Pretty clever, right?

About to send you links to 3 different Joe Rogan podcasts you gotta listen to.

Why? Because this group chat has everything.