Life on my Twitter Feed

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Monday, 9:12AM

It’s a bright and sunny day on Twitter. Someone shares a funny meme. The New York Times tweets a story about a chemical leak. #TheJews is trending. My friend posts a picture of a turtle he found in his backyard.

Tuesday, 1:29PM

A guy with an NFT as his profile picture writes a long thread about productivity hacks. Twitter user @MAGAPatriot14412 makes a joke about Nancy Pelosi being a pedophile. Everyone in the replies goes ” ๐Ÿ˜‚ย ๐Ÿ˜‚ย ๐Ÿ˜‚.” Elon Musk retweets it. My friend found a second turtle in his backyard.

Wednesday, 11:14PM

Volume 109 of “The Twitter Files” just dropped. Elon Musk shares another poll asking who should be the new Twitter CEO. The options this time are Kyle Rittenhouse and an anthropomorphized version of the dogecoin Shiba Inu. #PedophileNancy is trending. My friend keeps finding more and more turtles in his backyard. He changes his profile picture to a turtle.

Thursday, 5:01PM

Marjorie Taylor Green makes a joke that the COVID vaccine turns people trans. Elon Musk replies โ€œinteresting.” A lot of the other replies are โ€œ๐Ÿข๐Ÿข ๐Ÿข .” They all come from accounts with a turtle profile picture. Just like my friend. Weird.

Friday, 7:01AM

There’s a lot of turtle content in my timeline today. A turtle account tweets that “the age of the turtle is nigh.” It gets over 1 million likes.

Saturday, 12:42PM

My friend hasn’t tweeted since Wednesday. He’s not answering my DMs either. In a Twitter Spaces, Elon Musk says he is “aware” of the new turtle trend, and that CEO Kyle Rittenhouse is looking into it. Later that day, Elon changes his profile picture to a turtle.

Sunday, 2:12PM

All of the accounts questioning the turtles are getting banned. The White House tweets a photo of President Biden holding a turtle. The president looks scared.

Monday, 10:10PM

My friend starts tweeting again, but all his content is pro-turtle. Quickly, he amasses over 200 million followers, making his account the most popular in the world. He finally replies to my DM: “๐Ÿข๐Ÿข ๐Ÿข .”

Tuesday, 4:51PM

I’ve stopped hearing people outside my house and started hearing more clicks and chirps. I refresh my Twitter feed and my friend tweets that President Biden is stepping down, to be replaced by President Turtle. I search the major news outlets to confirm this information, but they’ve all been suspended.

Wednesday, 9:45AM

My friend posts a long thread, detailing the turtles’ policy platform. The main thing is an increase in production of boiled eggs and wormsโ€”our new president’s favorite meal. Also, everyone has to wear a shell on their back when out in public. There are grumblings of folks being sent to re-education camps where they’re forced to watch “Franklin,” but those tweets are quickly deleted.

Thursday, 1:02PM

Someone shares a funny meme about how turtles are superior to other lifeforms. Marjorie Taylor Green replies “๐Ÿข๐Ÿข ๐Ÿข .” The Turtle Times tweets that the new president’s approval rating is 99%. I decide to log off Twitter. Itโ€™s a bright and sunny day. I strap my shell on and go outside.

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