Come Skiing With Me, Bro

Come skiing with me, bro. We’ll have the best time. We’ll wake up at 4AM because the ski slope is 5 hours from my house. You won’t get a good night’s sleep but that’s okay bro because we’re just shooting down the side of a mountain at high speeds. You don’t need to be rested or alert for that, bro.

No we don’t have time to stop for coffee bro. Anyway, the Dunkin Donuts’ are still closed because it’s only 5AM. I do need to listen to this Chumbawamba album at max volume bro. The lyrics are so transcendent, they literally teleport me to another dimension. Also, I’m so tired that if I had to sit in silence for more than a minute bro I’m certain I’d fall asleep behind the wheel and kill us both.

Oh yeah we need to stop and pick up my friend Hanz, bro. He’s Swedish and literally an amazing skier. But he’s extremely timid, so I’m going to have to ask that you not even look at him bro. If he talks, try not to pay attention, because his voice is known to envelop those who hear it in profound and everlasting sadness. He also loves Chumbawamba.

When we’re almost at the mountain we’ll take an hour-long detour to rent skis bro. Just slip your foot into these crusty old ski boots that thousands of other people have sweated into, and then pay $50 and sign your life away and you’re good to go. There’s not going to be any issues fitting three sets of skis into my mom’s Camry bro, you and Hanz will just walk the last mile up to the mountain. Do you have $40 for a parking pass?

Now we need to buy our lift tickets bro, which is only another $150. Yes we could have bought them online yesterday and saved a lot of money and that’s my bad bro, but the lift tickets are so necessary if we’re to spend the majority of our day standing in line for the chairlift and only a small portion actually skiing. Also, you need to sign your life away a second time. You look sad, bro. Have you been talking to Hanz?

This gondola is dope, bro. While we have some time, I’ve hidden 20 airplane shooters of Fireball whiskey in my jacket bro. Let’s finish them all before we get to the summit. Don’t worry about passing out, bro. Hanz crushed up a bunch of caffeine pills you can snort if you start to feel woozy. No we couldn’t have taken them in the car this morning bro. Hanz cuts his caffeine pills with laxatives and LSD.

We finally made it to the top of the mountain bro, and it’s only 1PM. That gives us three solid hours to ski minus the 2 hours we’ll spend standing in line for more lifts. Do you mind if we ski this double black diamond as our first run of the day, bro? I know you’re not that experienced and I just force-fed you 7 whiskey shots, but Hanz only shreds giants. It’ll be fun bro if you can weave in between these trees at 40mph.

Dang bro looks like you took a big spill there. Ski patrol is on its way, but it may take some time because we’re way off-trail in the middle of the woods. Hanz took an online EMT course though, bro, so he’s going to reset your broken bone. Bite down hard on something.

Well, it looks like that didn’t work bro. It’s getting kind of late, though, so I think we’re gonna get out of here. Hanz thought he saw some wolves prowling in the distance, but that could just be the acid talking. Ski patrol should be here soon bro, so just sit tight.

You made it bro! What’s that you say? Ski patrol never came? And you had to fend off the wolves with your bare hands, then walk out of the woods with a broken leg? And you have hypothermia because the wolves tore off your jacket? That’s badass bro. Why don’t you come relax in the lodge? It’s only $23 for a cup of chili, bro.