I Don’t Understand Why Millennials Aren’t Becoming More Conservative as They Age?

As a 65-year-old Fox News political pundit, I consider myself an expert on millennial culture. That’s why I was baffled when I saw an annoyingly paywalled publication report that millennials ARE NOT becoming more conservative as they age. This bucks generations of tradition of young people shedding their ideals and hopes for a better world and becoming more greedy and selfish (not to mention xenophobic and close-minded) as they grow older.

I mean, what gives?

It’s a mystery to me that a generation that was completely screwed over by the more conservative generations of yesteryear, for some reason doesn’t want to follow in their footsteps? I mean, maybe we ticked millennials off by making it harder for them to earn a livable wageown a homeraise a family, or accumulate wealth en masse, but is that any reason to reject years of economic policy that only benefits the rich?

It’s so hard for me to understand why millennials would rebel against the status quo in favor of something radically different and dangerously socialist just because the age-old American promise of a better future for you and your family is no longer true—because we murdered it with tax cuts for the richtrickle-down economics, and callous indifference to environmental protection. They’d honestly rather support people like AOC and Bernie Sanders just because they promise fundamental change to a system that’s never had their best interests at heart. Ridiculous!

And don’t even get me started on cultural issues. Nothing makes me madder than when the most educated and diverse generation in American history doesn’t buy into our intellectually dishonest arguments around immigrationeducationgunsabortionpolicinggender and identity, and satanic child sex trafficking rings. But it’s important for us to focus on these divisive culture war issues because then we don’t have to address issues we don’t care about—like growing economic inequality, a problem for which we offer no solutions besides straw man arguments around government overspending (unless our party is in power, of course).

But that’s by design. Conservatism is all about stability and security—things millennials haven’t had their whole life. We’re not going to try to see the world the way you do, but we will complain that elections are rigged when you choose not to vote for us.

As I look to the future of conservatism in America, I see two options: we either accept that we’re a political party in decline, pump the brakes on the conspiracy theories, hate speech, and fascism, and promote an economic agenda that works for people who aren’t already uber-rich in order to make conservatism more palatable to younger voters …OR! we rage against the dying of the light, continue running out candidates that steal puppies and sexually traffic children, complain incessantly about “woke” culture (as if millennials earning 20% less than boomers did at the same stage in life care who the M&Ms mascot is), and overthrow democracy if the next election doesn’t turn out in our favor.

As much as it makes sense to choose the former, we’ll probably opt for the latter because a large bloc of our voters will be dead in 20 years and seemingly don’t care about the consequences of their actions. If America can outlast the current incarnation of conservatism, perhaps there’s hope for a better future.

Or, you can join us and engage in the proud conservative tradition of voting against your own interests. If there’s anything I could say to convince you to join our cause, it’s this: if you stopped spending so much money on avocado toast, maybe you’d be able to afford a home.

Either way, we’re gonna go change the voting laws to make it easier to subvert Democratic elections. Enjoy poverty.

%d bloggers like this: