Matthew Speiser

The hottest new restaurant in Manhattan is called Matthew’s. It’s this really cool concept eatery where you eat scalding hot soup off of a plate with a knife. It’s exorbitantly expensive and they don’t take reservations. To get there you need to jump off the L Train while its moving between 3rd Avenue and Union Square. Tip toe around the rats until you find a large wooden door with blood splattered across it. Wait there and one of our hostesses will come meet you within an hour or so. If and when she does arrive, she will instruct you to remove all your clothing and she will put a bag over your head. You will be guided through a dark tunnel filled with ghostly whispers. If you listen closely, the whispers are actually pointing out unattractive features on your naked body.

When you get inside, the hostess will throw your discarded clothing into our incinerator. The heat generated from your clothing will be used to cook your meal. While you wait to be seated you can watch Ryan Gosling play the piano in character as jazz musician Sebastian from the hit film “La La Land.” Matthew’s abducted Gosling two months ago and we withhold his meals if he breaks character.

As our hostess walks you to your table our highly trained waiters and waitresses will grab your love handles and call you “tubby.” All of our tables are made from the debris left behind from the Syrian government’s bombing of Aleppo. We have strategically placed a whoopee cushion on your chair, just so our staff can laugh at you when you sit down.

When your server comes to give you your menu, they will first take a match and light it on fire. Browse all 147 soups we offer before the menu burns up in your hand. While you browse, you’ll notice that all of our soups are made from sustainably sourced jellyfish scrotum. You won’t find any nitrates or preservatives in our soups, just good old fashioned jellyfish scrotum. There is also a gluten-free jellyfish scrotum option.

If the menu does burn up in your hands before you come to a decision, ask your server for some recommendations. Our most popular soup is the Sick Chicken Noodle Soup. That’s just regular chicken noodle soup, except we only use chicken’s that had avian bird flu before they died.  Our house special is the highly photogenic chicken, kale and lentil soup in a tomato broth with a fried egg on top. Our diners love to take a picture of this dish to share on their Snapchats and Instagrams. We put a tiny sensor in this soup that registers when a picture is taken. The sensor then emits a deadly poison into the soup, which kills the diner after they take their first bite.

While you wait for your food our busboys will pin your hands to the table and use steak knives to stab in between your fingers repeatedly at an increasing speed. While they do that you can appreciate some of the fine artwork we have displayed on our walls. They are all pictures of third-degree burns. Whatever you do, don’t make eye contact with any of the other diners in the restaurant. If you do, a noncorpum, or disembodied spirit, will steal inside your brain and infect it with devils.

The noncorpum belongs to our head chef, an eight-year-old Mongolian boy named Ng. When Ng was born a witch cast a spell on him that turned him evil to his very core. Shortly after being named head chef of Matthew’s, Ng went insane and killed fourteen customers with a Cuisinart. His noncorpum agreed to stay on as head chef. Now it roams the restaurant, turning our diners evil and making really good soup.

When we serve you your soup, it will be boiling on a plate at 175 degrees fahrenheit. We pride ourselves on only giving you a knife to eat your soup with. This often leads to third-degree burns. When this happens, don’t worry. Our well-trained staff will simply take a picture of your burn and post it on our wall with all the other burn pictures. Some customers choose to wait for the soup to cool down before dipping their knife in. That’s fine too. Just know that if you don’t finish your soup within two minutes of it being served, we multiply your bill by one thousand.

Speaking of the bill, we only accept payment in African conflict diamonds and Gold’s Gym t-shirts. If you are unable to pay your bill we will take you into the basement and feed you to Ng. After your meal is finished our hostess will put a bag back over your head and stick you with a needle filled with VX nerve agent. Some of our customers wake up three days later on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Some don’t.

After your visit to Matthew’s, don’t be shy to give us a review on Yelp! or OpenTable. What did you think of your dining experience? Is there anything we could be doing better? We encourage all types of feedback. Just know that if you do choose to say something mean, we have tons of naked pictures of you.

Find us on Zagat!