Startup Job Description

Do you think culture eats strategy for breakfast? Do you like to “fail fast” and work “cross-functionally?” Do you enjoy meaningless business-speak like “futureproof,” “operationalize,” and “let’s drop a pin in this?”

Well then, you might be exactly what we’re looking for at CreamYoyo. We make data analytics tools for companies that provide data analysis to companies who build ecommerce marketplaces for merchants who want to sell homemade portraits of their dogs to consumers located in the greater Des Moines area—and we’re proud of it!

We’re looking for a rockstar Marketing Manager to join our team. In this role, you’ll work in a hostile, cliche-y environment with too much oversight and minimal transparency to help position CreamYoyo as the premier solution for DPDLs (dog painting data lovers). If you’re whip-smart, keep up with all the latest marketing trends, and can carry yourself with an inflated sense of self-importance, keep reading!

Who We Are

We’re a bunch of dreamers, risk-takers, shit talkers, sales bros, helicopter parents, casual drug abusers, and failed entrepreneurs who love to eat lunch at our desks unless we have absolutely no other choice. 

We believe that:

  • Some tasks are too small for senior management
  • What any one of us knows can be leveraged to get a raise
  • Mistakes happen, and those who commit them get fired
  • Creative solutions to problems are a threat to leadership

Because of these beliefs, we’ve built a team where “distributed approaches” and “shared intelligence” are phrases you cannot say and organizational goals are reactionary and change on a monthly—if not weekly—basis. 

Who You Are

The ideal Marketing Manager doesn’t even need this job description. You won’t wake up in the morning and say “I’m the marketing manager at CreamYoyo.” That’s because you will be doing so much other work outside of what you were hired to do. So if you’re experienced at creating integrated marketing campaigns with a high ROI, great!

But, if you really want to stand out from all the upper middle class private school grads applying for this job, you’ll also:

  • Generate as many leads as humanly possible. It doesn’t matter if they have any intention of buying from us. We’ll still cold call and email them into submission.
  • Craft all internal and external content, including sell sheets, email funnels, display ads, blog content, infographics, webinars, Youtube videos, partnership content, social media posts, press releases, website copy, online courses, white papers, brochures, technical copy, case studies, customer testimonials, ebooks, as well as ghostwriting novels on behalf of our CEO.
  • Manage a team of 37 freelancers of varying ability across seven different time zones.
  • Manage the workload, expectations, and career development of four marketing associates who take all feedback personally.
  • Work with our design, product, and engineering teams—by which we mean spy on them and report instances of insubordination to senior management (don’t worry, they’ll be doing the same to you).
  • Willing to work as a contractor for 18 months with the possibility (!!!) of converting to full-time.

Requirements

  • Be an ambassador for the CreamYoyo brand by opening up a little crevasse in the hearts of our target market and burrowing yourself deep inside.
  • 5+ years marketing experience, preferably for another B2B company that provides services to B2B companies that provide services to DTC companies.
  • Report directly to the VP of Marketing, a smarmy 28-year-old adept at sowing divisions amongst his subordinates.
  • Be analytical in your approach—by which we mean don’t waste our marketing budget testing campaigns that don’t work (or else we’ll slash your marketing spend).
  • Knows how to say the following things in a way that doesn’t sound ridiculous: “Can you parallel path that, “we need an omni-channel approach,” “let’s have a touchbase,” “I don’t have the bandwidth for that,” “We need to uplevel our results,” “I’ll iterate on that and get back to you,” and “Here are my major pain points.”
  • Conversational in Yiddish

You Will Love This Job If:

  • You’re a super-friendly person who is low-key manipulative.
  • You’re comfortable answering Slack messages after 9 PM.
  • You believe data and paintings of dogs can change the world.

Why Work at CreamYoyo?

At CreamYoyo, we live by our three core values: Everybody loves a good doggo, data is a buzzword that companies will overpay for, and diversity and inclusion mean everything (ignore the fact that our executive team and board members are all straight white men).

If that’s not enough, all employees also have access to the following great perks:

  • Unlimited PTO (that way, we don’t have to pay out your unused vacation days).
  • Health insurance with 25% premium covered for you and your family
  • 20 weeks of paid family leave (but we may hire for your role while you’re away)
  • Equity! (up to 0.01%)
  • 401k (we may offer matching next year…or the year after that)
  • Flexible WFH policy (but you must keep your laptop camera on so we can watch you)
  • Free fucking snacks
  • Dog-friendly workplace!!!!!!!!!!

But don’t just take our word for it, read our reviews on Glassdoor, almost all of which were written by employees while their manager stood over their shoulder.

We are proud to be an equal opportunity workplace. All applicants will receive consideration without regard to race, color, ancestry, sex, religion, gender, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, marital status, national origin, citizenship, genetics, disability, age, veteran status or other characteristics. We will ensure that individuals with disabilities are provided reasonable accommodation to participate in the job application or interview process, to perform essential job functions, and to receive other benefits and privileges of employment. Please keep in mind that none of the aforementioned is legally binding.

One response to “Startup Job Description”

  1. Hahahha knowing you I can see where you got some inspiration here 😉 are you applying for a new job?

    On Tue, Apr 21, 2020 at 6:38 PM – Matthew Speiser – wrote:

    > Matthew Speiser posted: “Do you think culture eats strategy for breakfast? > Do you like to “fail fast” and work “cross-functionally?” Do you enjoy > meaningless business-speak like “futureproof,” “operationalize,” and “let’s > drop a pin in this?” Well then, you might be exactly wh” >

    Like

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