Matthew Speiser

Hello, Spyzo here. A concerned citizen who thinks their voice should be heard regarding these pesky alien attacks. Now I know that the so called “alien experts” are urging everyone to hunker down in place. I realize they’re encouraging us to wear tinfoil hats so that the aliens can’t use their telepathy to find out where we’re hiding. And I know that New York City and Los Angeles were recently decimated by a giant alien tractor beam.

But when it comes to stopping these alien attacks, I think it’s important that we take into account the opinions of folks who haven’t spent their entire lives studying extraterrestrial life.

Personally, I find all the warnings to be a bit alarmist. Sure, there’s been a large spike in deaths related to aliens. But that’s only because we just recently started counting it as a cause of death. If we didn’t have so many doctors checking bodies to see if their organs have been harvested, we wouldn’t be saying these people were killed by aliens. So you can see how it’s a bit of a double-edged sword.

And before you criticize me for being heartless towards the victims, let me make it clear that nobody is more concerned about these alien attacks than I am. I mean, the market is in a total nosedive right now. And nobody will let you into a store without a tinfoil hat on. Even worse, folks run away from me when they see I’m not wearing my hat! They actually think I’m going to summon the aliens to our location. Even though the research shows that that only happens in 1% of cases.

But that’s the fear the alien experts are spreading.

And also…for every death by alien attack, there are 4 or 5 others who manage to escape by running faster than the other people being chased by the aliens. With those kinds of odds, is it really necessary to infringe on our civil liberties?

Furthermore, this news that minorities are more likely to be attacked by aliens than white people is complete malarky. Sure, they live in more densely populated areas where aliens prefer to hunt. And yes, many of them can’t afford tinfoil now that its price has risen to $50 a roll. But to say that minorities are at a disadvantage is just another way the mainstream media is attempting to sow discord during a time when we need to come together.

We don’t need more tinfoil, or data, or a unified plan on how we’re going to face this dangerous threat. What we need is a healthy dose of optimism!

I believe it’s time we all come out from hiding and just see what happens. For all we know, the aliens will get scared by how many of us there are, and simply go away. It could be like a miracle!

Anyway, these are just one man’s thoughts—not the federal policy of the richest and most powerful country in the world.

Yours truly,
Spyzo.