Matthew Speiser

How are you spending your quarantine? Stuck inside? Nothing to do? Staring at your cat sunbathing on the carpet, wondering if they care you exist?

Then we’ve got an exciting offer for you.

MasterCats, the MasterClass knockoff operated by cats, is now accepting students for the fall semester. This is the only class where you’ll learn about your feline companions directly from the source (And not your shitty dog-loving friends who think we would stare at you indifferently as you choked to death on your cornflakes).

And given the current public health crisis, this year we’ve decided to move out of the rec room at the Trump International Hotel and offer our MasterCats class online. Through six live courses provided via Zoom, you’ll learn about the history of cats, applications of cats in society, and the feline worldview.

Here is your MasterCats syllabus:

Lesson 1: Cat Basics

Cats are mammals! We have 260 bones! A house cat is 95.6% tiger. If we feel comfortable around a human, we’ll show them our asshole.

Lesson 2: Cats in Popular Culture

Garfield. Mufasa. Mr. Bigglesworth. These are just a few representations of cats in popular culture that we analyze in Lesson 2. We’ll also provide clarity around some more controversial topics, such as the racial politics at play in “Tom and Jerry,” whether the Pokemon Meowth is a jew, and what became of the cat that had her tail spray painted by the Ben Stiller character in “Meet the Parents” (it’s a sad story).

Lesson 3: Cat Prejudice

Throughout history, cats have been accused of being aloof, manipulative, and evil. But we have found (and science has proven) that people who hate cats are actually people who hate themselves. You see, unlike dogs, we don’t rely on humans for support and guidance. For the insecure human, this self sufficiency is perceived as abandonment, and is often too much for their fragile ego to handle—leading to the phenomenon of cat prejudice. If this sounds like you, we recommend turning inward to try and find the root cause of your misery.

Lesson 4: Pussy

Long before anyone was grabbing anything by the pussy, it was a name humans used to refer to us. So how did the term go from a diminutive form of the word “puss” (“a soft, warm, furry thing“) to a crude way to refer to female genitalia, a taunt towards people acting cowardly, and (more recently) a form of headgear worn by humans seeking to express their displeasure with the current administration? These answers and more in Lesson 4.

Lesson 5: Cats in the Far East

From cat cafes to Hello Kitty, we’ve always enjoyed a vaunted position in Asia. The Japanese believe we have protective powers, and in Vietnam there’s a Year of the Cat (the next one is in 2023!) We’ve also been living in China for over 5,300 years. And while we know some of you may have a few bones to pick with China right now, us cats have seen a lot of recent progress with feline-Chinese relations.

Lesson 6: The Cat in the Hat

Christians have Jesus. Black people have Martin Luther King. We have Dr. Suess. In this final lesson, we’ll revisit his 1957 masterpiece “The Cat in the Hat” (known by cats simply as the “Kitty Quran”) and examine its pertinent themes, symbolism, and how it shaped the feline experience for a generation of cats (Note that we will not be commenting on the awful 2003 film adaptation starring Mike Myers. For that matter, we will also not acknowledge the 2019 box office flop “Cats,” as we find any attempt to anthropomorphize cats wildly offensive).

DISCLAIMER: The goal of this course is to foster a greater appreciation for cats in society. Our lecturers are professionals who will not tolerate patronizing language (i.e. “heeeeere, kitty kitty kitty”). Purring does not equate to affection. Payment only accepted via bitcoin.

Sign up today!