Matthew Speiser

Dear loyal customers,

We were extremely concerned to read about the events in The Hamptons last week in which attendees flouted public health precautions during a DJ set from the CEO of Goldman Sachs.

For those of you who share our concern, we want to make one thing clear: We’ll be abiding by all public health guidelines at the Spyzo Circus.

We understand that you and your family come to the Spyzo Circus each year to be enchanted by our coterie of trapeze artists, unicyclists, acrobats, and people with freakish birth defects. Now more than ever we could all use a little magic in our lives, which is why we’re excited to bring all of these acts back for our COVID-19-themed event, “Quarantine With The Carnies,” this weekend (Note that the people with freakish birth defects will not be part of the performance, as it turns out they are immunocompromised).

Now, given the current public health crisis, there will be some changes to this year’s Spyzo Circus. And unlike Major League Baseball, we’ve spent weeks thinking through how our patrons can enjoy the wonders of the Spyzo Circus in a safe and secure manner.

In that spirit, please be aware of the following programming changes in advance of your trip:

• Attendees must not, under any circumstances, be infected with coronavirus. However, we understand that, given the lack of available testing, it’s impossible for most of you to find out whether or not you have the COVID-19 virus. So we’re going to go with the honor system on this one.
• All items used during performances, including knives, axes, molotov cocktails, motorcycles, unicycles, tricycles, inescapable boxes, and the Bed of Nails, will be disinfected after every routine. These items will then be set aside for up to 72 hours before being used again.
• In order to avoid physical contact, all of our trapeze artists will be wearing elastic gloves during their performances. While this has caused some unfortunate incidents in practice sessions, we feel the alternative is more dangerous.
• Our lion tamer tested posted for COVID-19, but he’s assured us that this will not affect his ability to perform his duties. To ensure the lion’s safety, we’ll be using a much larger whip than normal, as this will allow the tamer to keep a safe social distance.
• Given the current social and political climate, we’ve decided to get rid of the Chinese Poles act.

Also please be aware that we’ve strongly encouraged all staff operating the rides and games on the circus grounds to wear protective masks. While only some have complied with this request, we don’t think there’s cause for worry. Our carnies practice great hygiene.

We hope these programming changes have addressed your concerns about attending this year’s Spyzo Circus. We have lots of great acts planned that we’d hate for you and your family to miss out on.

For instance, our daredevil Perposterous Pete is planning to unveil his most death-defying stunt yet: He’ll invite 10 people at random from the crowd to cough directly into his mouth.

Oh, and speaking of crowds, after speaking with the federal government, we’ve decided to allow 100% capacity inside the Spyzo Circus Tent. And because a tent is pretty much an open-air environment, nobody will have to wear masks!

Can’t wait to see you there.