Hello! I’m looking for someone to rent out my spacious 3-bedroom, 2.5 bathroom penthouse condo. Now’s your opportunity to live in the heart of the city because nobody currently wants to live in the heart of the city.
This apartment is a dream! There’s brand new kitchen appliances, a bidet in the bathroom (😉), and floor-to-ceiling windows that offer panoramic views of our empty and abandoned city. And at 4,000 square-feet, it won’t feel like the walls are closing in on you after a two-week quarantine.
The building has lots of great amenities. There’s a gym, game room, rooftop pool, and multiple lounge areas. Of course, all of those are closed indefinitely, but our doorman was deemed an essential worker, so we still have him!
As for neighbors, we don’t have any. That’s because all the other luxury apartments in the building are owned by Chinese shell companies. So it’ll just be you, Jorge (that’s the doorman), and the long line of folks who gather on the street every morning to try and get a COVID test at the health clinic down the block.
If you can get past that, you’ll find the neighborhood has lots to offer when (if) the pandemic ends. There’s cute little boutique shops with boarded up windows, and a park with white circles spray painted in the grass that you have to stay within in order to maintain a safe social distance. I’d recommend reserving your circle a few days out though, as they fill up quick!
Best of all, there’s a TON of fine dining (outside, of course). I didn’t think I’d enjoy paying full price for a meal I’d eat on the sidewalk next to a fire hydrant, but it’s actually grown on me. I pretend I’m somewhere chic, like Paris, and there are people on mopeds whizzing by (instead of Uber Eats delivery guys on motorized bicycles).
As for me? Well, I’ve bought myself a large house in the Cayman Islands complete with gated security, bulletproof glass, and a doomsday bunker. Of course, if this isn’t the end times, I’ll be back. I mean, I love the city! I’m just not willing to stick around and support it during it’s time of need. I will however buy up a bunch of real estate now that prices are dirt cheap and sell it at a premium when people start coming back in 2-3 years.
Anyway, I’m looking for about $2,000/month rent. That’s a steal considering I’d be paying about $60,000 a month on a 30-year mortgage (I don’t have a mortgage, I paid for this condo in full with cash, but I’m just trying to emphasize my point).
I’ll even leave behind all my furniture—that’s how badly I want to get out of here!
You’ll be hard-pressed to find a better deal than this. The heart of the city is within your grasp—it’s just suffering from coronary artery disease.
Reach out to schedule a virtual tour!
Matthew Speiser 
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