You may look out at the chaos before you and wonder why you should allow I, Joffrey Baratheon, First of His Name, and Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms, to continue to govern.
You may ask yourself why I choose to surround myself with sycophants, and reject the wise counsel of my uncle Tywin. You may question my erratic behavior, unchecked temper, and sadist tendencies. And you may even speculate on my parentage and whether or not I am the product of incest.
But I’d caution you not to think too hard about these things. Instead, think about how much worse off we’d be if we let someone like Robb Stark, Stannis Baratheon, Renly Baratheon, Euron Greyjoy, or even Danaerys Targareyn rule.
There’d be rioting in the streets. Thousands in Flea Bottom would go hungry. Savages would roam the countryside killing innocent villagers. We’d owe massive amounts of debt to the Iron Bank of Braavos. And the Night’s Watch would fall apart, allowing Wildings and god-knows-what-else to descend upon us.
And yes, I understand all of these things are happening right now, under my rule, but that’s not my fault.
We all know the blame truly lies with the Northerners and their supporters, who’ve been plotting against me over what they see as the unjust beheading of their leader, Ned Stark.
These northern monsters have taken to attacking members of the Royal Army, whose only job is to protect the people. This has left me no choice but to assemble mercenaries loyal to my family, including Sir Gregor Clegane (affectionately known as The Mountain), to go fight back.
Why would I invite such bloodshed? Because we need law and order. And what better way to establish law and order than by ignoring injustice and sending your loyal followers to attack their fellow countrymen.
And make no mistake, if I’m not in power, this is exactly what will happen. The Robb Starks of the world would encourage such violence which I have already encouraged, resulting in needless suffering which has already occurred.
We don’t need a king who wants to rule the Seven Kingdoms. We need a king whose open to ruling two or three tops, and then using their power to bend the rest of Westeros to their will. That king is me.
So I’m asking all Westerosi—but mainly the ones who are already fiercely loyal to my family—to continue fighting for your king. Literally fighting. Get a sword and some armor, and go protect our great country from the evil within.
Because the only way we can stop this madness is by using it to defeat our enemies, and then just kind of hoping it goes away afterwards.
Now if you’ll excuse me, my uncle Tyrion is about to serve me my wine.