Category: Creative Writing
-
Only I Can Save Westeros From the Destruction I Have Brought to Westeros
Fellow Westerosi. You may look out at the chaos before you and wonder why you should allow I, Joffrey Baratheon, First of His Name, and Ruler of the Seven Kingdoms, to continue to govern. You may ask yourself why I choose to surround myself with sycophants, and reject the wise counsel of my uncle Tywin.…
-
Rent My Luxury Condo In That Neighborhood You Definitely Couldn’t Have Afforded to Live in Before the Pandemic
Hello! I’m looking for someone to rent out my spacious 3-bedroom, 2.5 bathroom penthouse condo. Now’s your opportunity to live in the heart of the city because nobody currently wants to live in the heart of the city. This apartment is a dream! There’s brand new kitchen appliances, a bidet in the bathroom (😉), and…
-
Gender Studies for Lemurs
DISCLAIMER: Research into gender dynamics has revealed that, in most species, the male is the socially dominant gender. However, in a handful of instances, females produce a greater amount of testosterone and are therefore more aggressive and more likely to take risks—leading to deference from their male counterparts. One such example is lemurs. The following…
-
We’re Abiding By All Public Health Guidelines at the Spyzo Circus
Dear loyal customers, We were extremely concerned to read about the events in The Hamptons last week in which attendees flouted public health precautions during a DJ set from the CEO of Goldman Sachs. For those of you who share our concern, we want to make one thing clear: We’ll be abiding by all public health…
-
Fun Stand-ins for NYC Public Schools
New York City officials announced last week that the city’s 1.1 million public school students will spend only 1-3 days in NYC’s public schools this fall in an effort to keep occupancy down and maintain social distancing. In response, Manhattan Councilman Ben Kallos suggested using community centers, storefronts, private schools, and other venues vacated due…
-
MasterCats Is Now Accepting Students For the Fall Semester
How are you spending your quarantine? Stuck inside? Nothing to do? Staring at your cat sunbathing on the carpet, wondering if they care you exist? Then we’ve got an exciting offer for you. MasterCats, the MasterClass knockoff operated by cats, is now accepting students for the fall semester. This is the only class where you’ll…
-
O How I Miss the Office
O, how I miss the office. Those walls within which I ply my trade. Where colleagues coalesce to collaborate and commiserate. And working while sick is a sign of dedication. O how I miss my morning commute. Standing on the platform, sleep deprived, waiting for the 6 train. Turning up the volume on my podcast…
Matthew Speiser 